The Critical Importance of Selfishness
And Why it's So Misunderstood
Despite what many would tell you, selfishness is not inherently good or bad, it’s simply a word that describes a constant and unavoidable mental process happening in all of us, all of the time. We are all engaging in selfishness, every second of every day. It is only when the expression of our values is interpreted as immoral, in regard to the effect it has on others, that the word “selfish” is used to describe what we are doing, and incorrectly or, at least incompletely so. If our selfish acts benefit others, then we will rarely, if ever, be described as selfish, even if selfishness is exactly what we were engaging in.
Selflessness, on the other hand, is always a bad thing. Unfortunately, as a result of a total misunderstanding of the necessity of the self for good, the word has mistakenly come to be synonymous with good. Selflessness is always bad because it requires a complete denial of the self, which includes everything good we have to offer to ourselves and others, as well as our vulnerability and authenticity. I would argue that true selflessness is not only impossible, but that seeking to achieve it will inevitably lead to suffering for all involved.
In reality, selfishness is required to care for, consider, and provide benefit to others, and it is the absolute best way to achieve what would traditionally, but incorrectly, be considered a “selfless” goal. We cannot produce truly meaningful, sustainable, and net-positive benefit for others without some kind of investment of personal, “selfish” interest.
What if I asked you to volunteer to work at a shelter for victims of domestic abuse but, for many potentially valid reasons, you had little or no ability to truly invest yourself into the work? Would you do a good job? Would you truly care? Would the people you are working to help benefit from your indifference and lack of commitment, or would those things bleed into every single thing you do, draining the other volunteers, as well as the people who need help, and diminishing your ability to fully contribute what you have to offer?
To many people, your inability to sufficiently care about the job would be perceived as selfish, but that would be a total misunderstanding of what selfishness is. It’s not selfishness that is resulting in your inability to care and perform well, it’s that your values and/or experiences don’t comfortably align with the work, they aren’t being effectively appealed to, or both.
For those who hold values which are only capable of serving themselves, they would be considered selfish, and the application of the language would deservingly line up with what the word has come to mean for most people, generally speaking. However, selfishness is not to blame here, not at all. The blame lies in the values of the person and/or the lack of appeal to them. The expression of one’s selfishness, in this example, is simply revealing those values, not creating them in the first place. It’s not that the word “selfish” fails to describe these values at all, it’s that it is missing some very important components that must be considered. To put it simply, the word “selfish” does not contain values itself, it reveals certain values in the person who engaged in an expression of selfishness, and those values became visible to others, as a result of the expression.
Those who hold values which are capable of serving both themselves, and others, would also incorrectly be considered selfish so long as those values are not being effectively appealed to, utilized, and considered. This would be a terrible misuse of the language, as well as a missed opportunity in understanding how to manifest and utilize what those people may have to offer the world.
What if, before asking you to volunteer, I made an appeal to your unique selfishness; to your particular values and experiences which could be useful in this endeavor? What if I framed the work in such a way that inspired you to not only desire helping, but to truly invest your full, unique self into the work? What if I assigned you to a position within the volunteer program that stood the best chance at benefiting from and appealing to what you have to offer?
Even the most altruistic actions require selfishness if they are to be as impactful as possible. The problem lies in the interpretation of what the word, “selfish” has mistakenly come to mean for most people. Selfishness is not a descriptor of what you are capable of giving to others in the ways people have been conditioned into believing, it is simply the word that describes your personal process of investing what you are uniquely capable of offering.
Unfortunately, some people’s values prohibit them from being useful to others in the ways we have come to respect and value as a society. If we want to effectively give to others, then we must selfishly develop something worth giving. The tricky part lies in recognizing and appealing to the values in an individual so that they are capable of contributing to the best of their ability.
When you do not love yourself first and foremost, you open yourself wide up to be taken advantage of, and you are far less likely to be of use to the people you wish to help, except to be taken advantage of. You will find that you will become infinitely more useful to both yourself and others once you have accomplished this first, and that the acts you may have once perceived as “selfless”, are in fact profoundly selfish, and for very good reason – it’s more useful to both yourself and others!